Stop Whining, Already!

by Suzanne Cordatos

www.suzannecordatos.blogspot.com


Are your characters a bunch of whiners? Characters who whine are like static blizzards on TV. The white stuff adds a lot of noise, but it sure isn't entertaining.

My critique partners pointed out the static in my work-in-progress after reading a scene with a typical brother-sister spat. The dialogue? Believable. The action? Lifted from life. Well then, I opened my mouth to debate their thumbs-down verdict. What’s the problem? A total lack of value to the story. Ouch!

Look at these similar scenes:

            “Give it back,” demanded Jon. “It’s mine.”

            Julie ran around the room, the key dancing from her fingers. “You’ll have to catch me.”

            “Give it back OR ELSE!” Jon grabbed at her hand and got a fistful of long hair.

            “MOM, Jon pulled my hair!”

            Mom came to the door, an angry expression denting her brow. “What’s going on?”

OR

            “Give it back.”

            Julie danced the key out of reach from Jon’s grabbing fingers. “Only if you show me.”

            “If I open the box,” said Jon, “can you keep a secret? Can you handle the truth?”

            Jon and Julie shook hands. Mom came to the door, eyebrows raised. “What’s going on?”

           

Which story would you keep reading? In the first example, I wanted to tell the kids to settle down--The End. The scene contains “loud” action. Running, grabbing, pulling hair. Yet what does it add but a sibling relationship scene that is already familiar to just about everybody? No surprises. No story.

The quieter example propels the reader into a story filled with conflict and tension. Conflict does not have to involve spectacular car chases and fist fights. I want to turn the page to discover answers: What’s in the box? Can Jon trust Julie? Can Julie keep a secret? Can she handle the truth? What truth? How will they answer Mom? All of that in fewer words than the first example!

The more surprise and tension, the faster readers will turn your pages. Check scenes for these points:

            Is the dialogue a time filler?

            Would it change or harm the story if cut?

            Is there tension on every page? In every paragraph? In every sentence?
            Can the action or dialogue be blended with another scene?

            Does the scene add value on multiple levels? Characterization? Plot? Setting? Mood?

            Does the scene conjure questions that compel readers to turn pages?

Questions for you: 1) Did you ever cut a major scene for the sake of a story? Were you glad you did?
                             2) Any guesses what's in Jon's box? 

Promotion: A Review of The Joke's on Me by Laurie Boris

          One of 4RV Publishing's newest releases is the novel The Joke's on Me by Laurie Boris. The first review of the novel was posted on Write Meg! 

Book review: ‘The Joke’s On Me’ by Laurie Boris

          One of the things I love about books is their endless power to surprise you. When I was offered a copy of Laurie Boris’ The Joke’s On Me, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect — but I accepted based on the first chapter. It sounded funny. Punchy. And it didn’t let me down.

          When Frankie Goldberg pulls back into Woodstock, N.Y., with just her few possessions lodged in a bright red convertible, she’s immediately greeted by her sister, Jude, leading a holistic retreat at the family bed and breakfast. Nothing totally unusual — except for the fact that everyone is nude. After recovering from the shock of that encounter, Frankie begins to take inventory of all the changes that have taken place since she moved to Los Angeles — most notably that her mother, once a formidable woman, has been moved to a nursing home.

         Frankie, a “menopause baby,” is much younger than Jude — and was never considered the responsible sister, even as Jude cycled through husbands and raised her son, Ethan. After Frankie left home to pursue a life as a comedian and actress, Jude picked up the slack — and she hasn’t let her little sister forget it. Brought together again in their mutual desire to help their mother, Frankie has to finally put down roots — or run away again. But the presence of one Joey Mazzarella, former childhood crush, might make the choosing a little more difficult . . .

         Laurie Boris’ The Joke’s On Me is a funny, sweet and realistic story showcasing the love of one family — and the idea that it’s never too late to start over. What really sold me on the novel was Jude and Frankie’s relationship, which felt honest and raw. Though never dramatic, Boris offers readers tender conversations between the women that defy the age gap between them. At the heart of it all, there’s love.

         In her author biography, Boris describes herself as a “closet stand-up comedian” — and I think that humor really shines in The Joke’s On Me. Her sarcasm, rarely mean-spirited, is evident in Frankie’s character, and I immediately felt close to her as a narrator. She’s not without her faults, that’s for sure, but she owns up to them; she’s not without her quirks, either, but they make her lovable. Frankie felt like a friend.

         And the love story? Oh, what a sucker I am for first love — and the sweet progression of Joey and Frankie’s relationship melted the little cockles of my heart. I loved that Joey is a baseball coach and Frankie is a lady that grew up appreciating the sport; like her, baseball is the one game I actually enjoy and understand. The frequent ballpark settings were ones I could appreciate!

          Quirky, fun and very readable, Boris has crafted a novel with pithy dialogue, dueling sisters and plenty of heart. I read it quickly and enjoyed meeting Boris during the Author Speed Dating session at the Book Blogger Convention, where she sat down to tell me about this book and I immediately squealed, “Laurie Boris! Oh, I have your book!” She looked genuinely surprised and was very kind, and I was happy to tell her I’d already enjoyed her debut novel. And if you’re looking for an amusing read, I think you will, too.

         The Joke's on Me can be ordered through the 4RV Catalog as well as through bookstores and online stores. More about the author can be found on  Laurie Boris, Freelance Writer.